So we’re here at the G7 Climate change Eights, let’s run through the boat crews before they start the decarbonisation race here in sunny Quebec.
The French boat predictably is packed with 1 hydro and 7 nuclear rowers but newcomer wind is asking for a seat and may well be given the nuclear stoke position by cox Emmanuel. In fact it looks like the French are giving one of their rowers to the UK boat, yes indeed, although the rower looks inexperienced, overweight and may not get there in time.
The Japanese are still struggling for crew after that accident a few years back, but look how generous they are. They’ve seen the French and are inspired to also send a nuclear rower to help the Brits. British cox Theresa looks pleased, she’s managed to lighten her boat by lots of pounds and put it in the French and Japanese boats instead.
The UK boat in lane 3 is a relatively new team and a mixed bunch at that. Oh, look at that, the gas and wind guys have just chucked a couple of coal rowers overboard, although you can see them hanging on hoping to jump back in should fickle solar not turn up. The coal rower in seat 3 survived the fight by fending off wind and solar with a composite oar made of wood and carbon. The only two original rowers are nuclear in stroke and seven, some say they are looking a bit too old and inflexible for this game now though!
The German boat in lane 4 is most interesting. The two nuclear rowers are bruised with two black eyes. Rumour has it that they were beaten up by Angela and her renewable heavies in the pub the night before. The newly trained gas rower is nowhere to be seen but the two lignite guys in stroke and seven are looking smug. The hard coal rower is new to the boat and looking tough and ready to start. Four solar and 3 wind rowers are still fighting in the bows over the final two seats.
The Canadian team are looking strong with their nuclear rowers, although the rower in the bows is looking decidedly dodgy and seems to be surrounded by small oil slick and blobs of tar floating in the lake. Where’s the cox? Ahh yes he’s posing for photos with the press, come on Justin.
The Italian cox looks new and uncertain of himself, but then that’s the same every year. It’s good to see them anyway because we were uncertain whether they could even afford a boat.
Ahh here comes the US boat in lane 7, a bit late but they’ve made it to the shore. It’s a big boat, and heavy too. The cox is chucking out a load of steel he claims was dumped in it during a previous race. It’s making waves and rocking all the other boats, they push to the front claiming America First but Justin throws yoghurt at Donald and Emmanuel takes off his jeans in protest.
And they’re off, The Canadians make a clean start and the Italians and Brits seem to be making progress. But what’s this? The French, tipped as favourites seem to be struggling. It seems Angela has just pushed two of the spare Solar rowers out her boat into the French crew, seriously rocking the boat. Yes, interesting tactic by the Germans here, but it worked in the European semis when they nearly sank three other boats when a couple windy rowers jumped out of the bow into the Polish Boat, ran across the Czech and Austrian boats and clambered back in the German stern.
Where’s the US though? They’re going backwards! Donald is dragging their boat back out the water saying he’s going to play in Vlad’s lake instead because his industrial friends have told him that this one is a fake lake. His rowers are not all happy though, look some of them are scrambling to join the race anyway in their own rowboats.
The French are now in their rhythm and sail past the UK, in fact Theresa’s stopped the boat, What is she doing? She’s running back to Donald to ask him to join but he’s not interested. What’s that paper she has, looks like she’s trying to get him to sign a deal but he says he’s not signing until he’s talked to new friends Kim and Vlad.
The Germans still haven’t started, Angela is repainting the name of the boat “Energiewende” so it looks shiny, and is posing for photos with the hunky renewable rowers. She slips the new coal recruit a few Euro on the way past and gets a wink in return.
The Italian boat has not got very far yet either, The Prof is rearranging the rowers and is waiting to ask Angela for some money to repair his boat. The Japanese are also still near the start, not sure of whether to invite the nuclear rowers back on board.
The Germans have finally made a start, but look the lignite and coal guys are actually rowing the wrong way although the excess of renewables and faithful nuclear is actually inching them forward. But oh no, the sun’s gone in and the PV rowers have just gone to sleep, they’re accelerating backwards now. Angela throws a rope of Emmanuel and asks him to tow her for a while.
So as we go for this commercial break, The Prof has gone looking for Donald’s friend Vlad whilst his crew vote for a new leader, the Japanese are drifting aimlessly, the UK has just caught up with Canada and has stopped to ask them for a deal, Angela is telling the camera man to focus on the biceps of the renewable rowers and ignore the rest and the French Eight are out in front with rowboats California and Texas. Come back in 10 years to see how they are all doing in this gripping decarbonisation final…
